During the pandemic, Jamie Wright’s hair stylist noticed red welts on her neck and arms. Wright had been abused just before her appointment. 

Wright couldn’t hide it any longer. She finally confided to her stylist that her then-partner was abusing her.

“I remember feeling like she hears me and she didn’t project,” Wright said.

Victims of abuse often feel like they don’t have anyone to turn to. If someone confides in you that they’re being abused, you may wonder how to respond. 

In Texas, 2 in 5 women and 1 in 5 men have been sexually assaulted. Nationwide, 81 percent of women and 43 percent of men reported experiencing some form of sexual harassment or assault in their lifetime, according to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center.  

Navigating these experiences can be difficult. Houston Landing spoke with experts on how you can show up for loved ones who might be experiencing abuse. 

What to say to a survivor of abuse

Survivors can go years without mentioning any abuse to family and friends, but they may open up over time, even to strangers. 

“I think that friends and family sometimes don’t really … don’t know what to say or do. You don’t have to necessarily fix it, because you can’t fix it,” said Michelle Abdelnoor, a domestic violence survivor. “You can listen, empathetically.”  

If someone wants to open up to you, you want to listen first, said Rae McWilliams, a therapist at Equity Counseling in Houston. After listening, they recommend you frame the conversation from a place of support rather than showing up to gossip or judge.

Be sure you don’t apologize for the experience, don’t make the situation about yourself, and don’t cry, they said.  

“You don’t have to sympathize but empathize,” they said. “The difference is the sympathy part. It’s that, ‘Oh, poor you’ – they don’t need that. The empathy part is, ‘Thank you for sharing. Let me sit in this with you.’”

Questions and phrases recommended when someone opens up to you:

• How can I best support you?
• What do you need from me? 
• Thank you for sharing this with me.

Simply acknowledging that the survivor is not alone can go a long way, Abdelnoor said. 

If you’re the person the survivor confided in, it’s important for the information to not be told to other family members or someone that will get back to them. 

“We are not going to leave a situation until we choose to, period,” Wright said. “While we’re navigating our choice, we don’t need to be shoveled with shame.”

Another way to show up for your loved one is by staying in touch and having check-ins or coffee dates.

Maisha Colter, CEO for Aid to Victims of Domestic Abuse, recommends you consistently reach out and increase your efforts if you notice that your friend or family member is no longer texting or calling you as often. These efforts can help when the survivor is determining who to call if they need to leave a situation.

What to avoid when a survivor opens up to you

If you are helping a loved one, experts recommend you focus on ways to empower the survivor rather than judging them.

Questions and phrases to avoid:

• “I wouldn’t put up with that. I would leave” 
• “When I had a man that hit me, I was gone.”
• “I wished a man would hit me.”
• “I had no idea you went through this.”
• “Why didn’t you tell me?” 

When a loved one uses phrases like these, Wright says it further validates the verbal and emotional abuse that the survivor is receiving from the abuser. 

It’s also not helpful when friends or family disparages a partner’s abuser. 

Both survivors recommend friends and family to point the survivor to resources and experts who know how to handle these situations. 

“When you’re in the middle of it you don’t have the energy to research ways to help yourself, but there’s so many resources out there,” Abdelnoor said.

If you know someone in an abusive relationship

If your friend or family member is in an abusive relationship, recognize that listening and being a support system is important to help them as they make the decision to leave, Colter said. 

It’s also important to show that you’re open to driving them to a shelter or legal services to help them feel less alone when navigating these situations. 

You can also help your friend or family member with making a safety plan, which helps the survivor to find safe ways to decrease their harm or leave a harmful situation.

If there is a situation where your loved one hasn’t decided to leave an abuser, she recommends family and friends establish healthy boundaries to prevent the abuser from having any more control. 

There were two instances where she went back to her then-partner and her mother wouldn’t allow him in their home. Out of respect, Abdelnoor would also not speak about him to her. 

How to spot signs of domestic, sexual violence 

Red flags, or signs of abuse, can include isolation, extreme jealousy of friends or time spent apart, insulting or demeaning you, intimidating you, and more. Isolation is one tactic that abusers use to put strains between a survivor and their families. 

“I didn’t have any support because I was isolated and didn’t even know that I was cornered into my marriage,” Wright said.

Abdelnoor described being in an abusive relationship as being under the influence.

“It’s not that easy and it’s not that the victim enjoys the pain … you’re under the influence of the toxicity. It doesn’t happen overnight,” Abdelnoor said. 

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